The thing is, I’m afraid of porcelain dolls. I’m esp. afraid of clowns. These are not clowns, they are just very ugly and evil-looking girl dolls with dresses on. I keep them in the garage, because I’m concerned about them animating at night and attacking me while I sleep.

Please take them away.

I have more Guinea cock birds than hens, am kicking out the single dudes. One lavender and two “royal purple” birds available. Hatched mid-July. $10 each or $25 for all three. Or will trade for laying hens or possibly some other good-natured poultry, turkeys maybe, no peafowl. Have been free-ranging, now penned in Guinea Alcatraz in my barn.

These birds have been hateful towards my laying pullets, and I do not recommend them if they will share a coop with chickens or other small poultry of other species. Maybe gamecocks. That would be karmic. They aren’t aggressive towards people, cats, or dogs — but then, the people, cats, and dogs around here don’t take crap from birds. They are not tame, and are still convinced after four months that I’m going to eat them in the morning. This is becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.

These birds do great tick and insect control, and don’t tear up the garden the way chickens do. Not as filthy as most poultry. They are very noisy. If your neighbor has a barking dog or annoying offspring, these would be fine revenge. If you just find it amusing to see brainless alien freaks that look like old-style football helmets running around on tiny orange legs, they will fit the bill.

Buy my surplus ill-natured Guineas. They are too scrawny for Thanksgiving. The do not have laser beams strapped to their heads.

1 upright Piano. Will need some reconditioning to return to good condition, but is marginally playable (and horribly out of tune) now.

Here’s how it will work. You and as many of your strong friends that you can Tom Sawyer into this job will come by and move the piano off my second floor (1 set of straight stairs) into a vehicle of yours. I’m not lifting it, or providing a vehicle for it. I will help you gently guide it through my house so that I still have walls after you leave.

Now here’s the part that I know will be hard for people to understand:
I’m not holding it for anyone without a $100 deposit for every week you want me to hold it. Not even if you ask really nicely.
The first person to show up and take it gets it. This piano was listed once before, and you wouldn’t believe the number of homeless dying one-legged Mongolian orphans that just needed a piano to make life better. I heard some great sob stories (probably all true!) about why I should hold this piano for this person or that person. Well, I ended up holding it for the first caller, who never got it. Then I held it for someone else, and they never got it. Then everyone was gone, and I still had a piano.
“But I don’t have $100 and I really want the  piano!” OK, just come get it! It’s really that simple.
“But I don’t have $100 and I can’t come by with a truck for two weeks…” No piano for you! Life sucks; get a helmet.
I don’t really want the piano. It came with the house when I bought it. I play the flute, which I can carry in one hand. I’ve tried picking up the piano with 1 hand, and I can’t quite get a good grip. Please, take my piano.

1. BUY MY STUPID COUSIN’S AWESOME KAYAK

My cousin is a grown up child man with all the best toys and here’s your chance to own one of them!

Whilst between jobs – though both the one before and the one to come were both long out of sight – he needed a place to stay so he lived with me for a while. He paid rent for a while too, though one while was a lot shorter than the other while. He moved out to live with some buddies and left a bunch of his junk here. Sometimes he comes back to pick something up but somehow it always seems to coincide with needing to borrow money, though he doesn’t seem to need to borrow it to pay me any rent.

One of the things he left – one of the largest things he left – is a kayak. A red kayak. It looks an awful lot like this, except it’s red: I asked him to tell me about it and this is what he typed:

KAYAK FOR SALE
PRIJON LUV 8′
Good Condition
River running playboat
excellent for surfing ocean waves
$300.00

Frankly, I was underwhelmed by his effort, but somehow, not terribly surprised. On top of that, the name sounds dangerously close to “prison love” but that’s not really a selling point, so forget I said that.