My wife’s annoyingly bohemian niece gave us this piece of abstract “art” after her graduation. She was in art school for almost 6 years and, yes folks, this was part of her senior thesis.

If you’re interested in completely useless hanging wire objects that merely consume space and inspire nothing more than smirks from visitors, this piece is for you. Or, if you want to send someone a not-so-subtle message letting them know you hate them, this piece would make the perfect gift.

Let’s answer some questions before I describe the car. Humor me… please…

1. NO, it is not a “condo-car” that’s been garaged all its natural life. It’s a $600 car.

2. YES, the odometer reads 24k miles, but I am VERY certain it has rolled over and it’s actually 124k miles. It’s a $600 car.

3. YES, it is restorable. Anything is restorable if you have the time and money! But, in its current condition, it’s a $600 car.

4. YES, the interior is very clean. NOTICE I DID NOT SAY IT WAS MINT! It is clean… one tiny tear on the drivers seat back, broken arm-rest on drivers side, TWENTY THREE YEARS OLD!!! Again, it’s a $600 car.

5. YES, it does start and run very well. My son drove it to and from work for several months while his daily-driver was being repaired. Not bad for a $600 car!

6. NO, my boyfriend and his tool box do NOT come with the car. In other words, you’re buying a TWENTY-THREE YEAR OLD, SIX HUNDRED DOLLAR CAR, people! I cannot guarantee that it will “last at least a year” or that “it will make it all the way to Oregon in September”. Sheesh… I mean, c’mon! My crystal ball broke a lonnnnnng time ago. What’s more, it’s a $600 car.

7. YES, it is quiet. But will it disturb your neighbors? HOW THE HELL DO I KNOW? I don’t even KNOW your neighbors! I know you can squeal tires pretty loudly, even in this old $600 car.

8. NO, I will NOT pay for your gas if you drive here from East Jesus and decide not to buy the car for any reason. Why would you drive 3 hours to buy a $600 car anyway?

9. NO, I am NOT interested in donating the car to your worthy cause. My son needs the money. He’s a kid, for crying out loud! Do you really think he’d be advertising this $600 car for SALE if he wanted to “help you out because you’re down on your luck because your boyfriend left you and took your car and you have no way to get back and forth from….”. You get the picture.

10. Did I mention it’s a $600 car? That does NOT mean it’s a $400 car, or a $500 car, or even a $550 car! THE PRICE IS $600, get it?

11. NO, I do not own a firearm. Yet.

If you’ve read this far, then you must be somewhat interested in the car, right? Be advised, I am in no mood to be trifled with after the 250 stupid phone calls I received over the weekend. That’s right… 250, mostly assinine people, asking questions relating to the above 11 answers. Ever dealt with a woman whose hot-flashes run about 500 degrees? Seriously. Do NOT poke the bear, or if you do, do so at your own risk.

I am not going to post my phone number, as my Xanax prescription is empty and I cannot afford to have it refilled until this Friday. That being said, I do have twenty photos of the car from every angle, aspect, perspective and view which I would be happy to send to you via email. Just click on the pretty blue link at the top of the post, and I promise I’ll email you back lots of full-color photos that were taken just this morning.
****Only after I have determined that you are not going to be yet another idiot such as those mentioned above will I give you my phone number and/or address so that you may come and see the car****

Not to put too fine a point on it, but I want to get married. I’m a student with a couple of part time jobs, and I’m just trying to get my education finished quickly so I can go back to working full time. I’ve got a great girlfriend, and I think that it’s finally time to bump it up a notch.

What I’m looking to do is to help some poor dude who spent way too much money on a diamond ring, and then watched his life fall apart into a crushing pit of despair. Maybe you finally got rid of your evil ex-wife and you’re looking to booze it up with some floozies. You’ll need a bunch of great booze to begin your new life of intoxication, and this is what I can provide to you.

We all know that the jewelry business is pretty rough on the little guy; the cartel pricing structure makes anything of a respectable size very expensive. Try to sell that $5,000 ring back to a jeweler and you’ll be extremely lucky to be offered $1,000 on a good day. Let’s help each other out.

I have a bunch of great booze to trade, and I need a diamond ring. Ideally, I’d like a solitaire set in either white gold or platinum. Loose stones are perfectly acceptable, too.

Twenty bottles, Also, I have The Minibar. I built this with the plan of putting it in a guest bedroom, but minibottles are way too expensive to replace after my freeloading friends drank em up. I wound up using it as a cool display for my living room, and it looks great. 54 airline bottles of all types, and there’s some really fancy stuff here that you don’t normally see in airliners.

Maybe it was the scorching hot weather in the mission today, or the 2 huge canvas bags and one plastic full of
perishing groceries that i was lugging down ****** st with the sound of jack hammers ruthlessly invading the only spare sensory space that i had left in my being, or the gross men making comments and staring me down like a bunch of motherf*&#king animals or maybe it was the fact that the skirt rides up when i am walking fast and not fixing it every 15 steps because i don’t have the hips to keep it in place, i never have and never will, only reminding me of the awkward preteen years in middle school, or maybe it was the fact that it has no back pockets and meager front pockets that slowly edge any contents as i walk flinging my grocery list pen on the ground for me to have to bend over to get with a crap load of swinging bags of groceries or maybe i was just tired of all the b.s. when i made the decision, but regardless of the circumstances surrounding my choice to end my relationship with my Gap, size 1,basic jean mini skirt, it is truly over and UP FOR GRABS to the first taker.