My feelings are so hurt! I tried to be nice and made a plea to your common sense on how I am a great imagination boosting stick unicorn. I know you are letting your children rot their brains out sitting in front of some sort to idiot tube playing video games or watching TV. But no! You ridicule and mock me. You've offered to let your dog chew me up and have wanted to know if I am flammable, but you still wouldn't come and get me. Someone wanted to know how big my horn is. It's 9" and almost 4" wide at the base which is big enough for whatever the heck you had in mind!

At one dollar you better buy me pretty soon or I'm going to have a self-esteem problem. I'll end up at the dog parks tormenting the dogs who can't jump high enough to get me but when they aren't looking are going to feel my horn up their butts. I'll visit children's windows at night and scare the daylights out of them and rumors of the mystical haunted Unicorn will travel throughout the city. I'll steal their Pokemon and Yugio cards and eat them. I'll leave mystical Unicorn crap on their Playstation machines. I'll tinkle on their Power Ranger dolls. In the end I'll set myself on fire and and fling myself into an arcade parlor engulfing the entire establishment.

So buy me or else!

Hello, Bay Area!
For a limited time, you, yes, YOU, can purchase your very own land yacht!

the beast:

Due to a fortunate cash influx and a desire for reliable transportation, I have recently purchased a car that is actually younger than I am. Therefore, I must needs sell my baby.
big ol’ baby eyes:

This 1976 Dodge Aspen is completely unique! (I think the other ones all broke down long ago.) It comes complete with four round wheels (wow!) and a FUNCTIONING engine which, when its petroleum-based fuel is ignited, transfers its power to the wheels and MAKES THEM TURN!!! Huzzah! Instant transportation! All you pale-faced, red-eyed, antisocial Craigslisters are now able to leave the house without shying away from attractive members of the opposite sex on the sidewalk, or being rubbed up against by large sweaty men on Muni. Yay!

the dash:
My car’s innards are completely functional, quite impressively so for a badly-designed car of its age. The transmission and radiator have been recently replaced, the alternator and battery are new, and it has had quite a bit of restorative tinkering done under the hood, thanks to my friendly neighborhood mechanic. It is quite thirsty for petroleum products, however, and one of the radiator hoses leaks slightly.

The inside is all blue vinyl, perfect for sticking to the backs of your thighs on a warm day. There is a big hole where the glove box used to be.

The Beast is missing one hubcap, and has several scars, none of which were acquired while I owned it. To my knowledge, it has never been in a serious accident.
The Beast is my baby, and I hate to sell it, but I cannot afford to keep two cars in this city. If you are interested in owning this fine specimen of Detroit engineering, send me an email and come take a looky.

Free, to a good home in the basement of your parent’s house, a “Dark Hole” Yu-Gi-Oh! trading card.

The great thing about the card is that it “Destroys all monsters on the field”. I assume it works. There aren’t any monsters in my neighborhood.

It’s in pretty good shape. Not ripped or torn. No holes either, though it does appear to have been run over at least once indicated by the indentations all over the card. It looks like the one in the picture, just in worse shape.

Email me and come and get it. And don’t worry, whoever takes this card, your identity is safe w/ me. Dork.

. This auction is for a taxidermy bird with the following features:

• Taxidermy peacock
• Mounted on fake rock, standing
• Great condition
• Neck measures approximately 10″ long, 27″ tall overall, 24″ long overall, 8.5″ wide

This would be perfect for anyone looking for sporting goods!

We are what you may call, Snow Sculpters and we are willing to make you your very own SNOWPENIS for everyone to enjoy! Be the one on your block have the largest Snow Penis! We will come to your home and get to work and for only $100 each penis you will receive One penis and two testicles. Please give us 2 hours advanced notice.

Dearest Sponge,

I don’t know how many ways I can let you know that the time has come for us to part ways.. Didn’t you get the hint when I tossed you into the garbage those 5 times? But yet every day I wake up and there you are AGAIN…Did you jump out of the garbage can? Or did you convince someone else in the house you were still worthy of being part of this home….i mean it is not like I hate you or anything like that you pulled your weight around here.. cleaning all those places that nobody else would dare to go too.. And still even after the little incident in the toilet you were there for me … But now this is getting scary.. last night when I went to use the facilities I step on something slightly wet I jump back to see what it was and there you were .. Looking innocent on the rug.. are you stalking me? I thought the only way to finally let you know how I feel is through this board.. HELL everyone reads it right? why not you? I’ve found a new home for you .. As of this evening you will bunking with the neighbors dog Cujo..he I know will give you the much wanted attention you seem to be wanting and don’t worry about us .. we have found someone else to fill your place his name is Toilet Brush ..

fondly yours,
Your house mate..

It’s time to say farewell to a beloved friend and a piece of my personal history.

My good ol’ brown chesterfield.

See, I met me a nice ladyfriend, and we’ve decided that ol’ Brownie no longer suits our needs. It’s a bachelor couch, and I’m no longer a bachelor. This is not to say men only, oh no. It’s just that this couch has treated my friends and me well for many years, and I’d prefer to see it go to some nice folks who will enjoy it…four reasonably-sized asses can sit comfortably on it while playing video games, watching DVDs, drinkin’ beers…it’s a great couch that brought a lot of joy to those asses, and it’s got a lot more ass-joy in it yet.

Yes it’s ugly, and no it’s not in wonderful shape, but its surface is even and its springs have not yet sprung their last. it has been, and may yet be, the site of many lazy Sunday naps. You can see that Jack and Squirrelly are also bidding their adieus. It is surprisingly comfortable and most of my houseguests over the years have preferred it to my horrible hide-a-bed. And though many weary drunken heads have passed out on it, it has never been puked on while in my care.

The price? Well, I’d give it away but I’d feel bad about it.

In the spirit with which ol’ Brownie has been enjoyed, here’s the deal:

You come get it, bring a case of beer, and it’s yours. I’ll even help you load it. The beer’s gotta be something decent � la Granville Island, OK Spring, or the like…I will not trade such a fine and loyal friend for yellow pisswater. I don’t want the $20…you have to bring the beer. I think the type of folks who’ll see the importance of giving ol’ Brownie a good home will understand.

Email me with your contact info and we’ll sort you out.

Cannibal Goldfish…
They seem like regular goldfish… they sort of look like this…
Innocent looking… But little do you know… they ate 2 black moors, 1 lionhead goldfish, 1 calico telescope, 1 bottom feeder, 2 ghost shrimp, and 1 snail.
I thought they died of natural deaths at first, but after my last calico telescope goldfish died, it became apparent why these two delinquents are always the last man standing… THEY’VE BEEN PICKING AT THEIR FISH-FRIENDS!!
Please! Take them, but leave them in their own tank! They’ll be ready to be picked up starting Monday (August 30th) Please have your own method of transporting them. (a bottle… whatever). I’ll provide the net to catch those murderers.