My feelings are so hurt! I tried to be nice and made a plea to your common sense on how I am a great imagination boosting stick unicorn. I know you are letting your children rot their brains out sitting in front of some sort to idiot tube playing video games or watching TV. But no! You ridicule and mock me. You've offered to let your dog chew me up and have wanted to know if I am flammable, but you still wouldn't come and get me. Someone wanted to know how big my horn is. It's 9" and almost 4" wide at the base which is big enough for whatever the heck you had in mind!

At one dollar you better buy me pretty soon or I'm going to have a self-esteem problem. I'll end up at the dog parks tormenting the dogs who can't jump high enough to get me but when they aren't looking are going to feel my horn up their butts. I'll visit children's windows at night and scare the daylights out of them and rumors of the mystical haunted Unicorn will travel throughout the city. I'll steal their Pokemon and Yugio cards and eat them. I'll leave mystical Unicorn crap on their Playstation machines. I'll tinkle on their Power Ranger dolls. In the end I'll set myself on fire and and fling myself into an arcade parlor engulfing the entire establishment.

So buy me or else!

Hello, Bay Area!
For a limited time, you, yes, YOU, can purchase your very own land yacht!

the beast:

Due to a fortunate cash influx and a desire for reliable transportation, I have recently purchased a car that is actually younger than I am. Therefore, I must needs sell my baby.
big ol’ baby eyes:

This 1976 Dodge Aspen is completely unique! (I think the other ones all broke down long ago.) It comes complete with four round wheels (wow!) and a FUNCTIONING engine which, when its petroleum-based fuel is ignited, transfers its power to the wheels and MAKES THEM TURN!!! Huzzah! Instant transportation! All you pale-faced, red-eyed, antisocial Craigslisters are now able to leave the house without shying away from attractive members of the opposite sex on the sidewalk, or being rubbed up against by large sweaty men on Muni. Yay!

the dash:
My car’s innards are completely functional, quite impressively so for a badly-designed car of its age. The transmission and radiator have been recently replaced, the alternator and battery are new, and it has had quite a bit of restorative tinkering done under the hood, thanks to my friendly neighborhood mechanic. It is quite thirsty for petroleum products, however, and one of the radiator hoses leaks slightly.

The inside is all blue vinyl, perfect for sticking to the backs of your thighs on a warm day. There is a big hole where the glove box used to be.

The Beast is missing one hubcap, and has several scars, none of which were acquired while I owned it. To my knowledge, it has never been in a serious accident.
The Beast is my baby, and I hate to sell it, but I cannot afford to keep two cars in this city. If you are interested in owning this fine specimen of Detroit engineering, send me an email and come take a looky.

Free, to a good home in the basement of your parent’s house, a “Dark Hole” Yu-Gi-Oh! trading card.

The great thing about the card is that it “Destroys all monsters on the field”. I assume it works. There aren’t any monsters in my neighborhood.

It’s in pretty good shape. Not ripped or torn. No holes either, though it does appear to have been run over at least once indicated by the indentations all over the card. It looks like the one in the picture, just in worse shape.

Email me and come and get it. And don’t worry, whoever takes this card, your identity is safe w/ me. Dork.

. This auction is for a taxidermy bird with the following features:

• Taxidermy peacock
• Mounted on fake rock, standing
• Great condition
• Neck measures approximately 10″ long, 27″ tall overall, 24″ long overall, 8.5″ wide

This would be perfect for anyone looking for sporting goods!

We are what you may call, Snow Sculpters and we are willing to make you your very own SNOWPENIS for everyone to enjoy! Be the one on your block have the largest Snow Penis! We will come to your home and get to work and for only $100 each penis you will receive One penis and two testicles. Please give us 2 hours advanced notice.